THE BREAKING POINT
The story is a little bit unexpected, but there is this continuation of facts that brought me here.
I came to Mexico City for a road trip with my boyfriend. That was the plan - adventure, connection, exploring together. But the road trip didn't happen. He broke up with me instead. And suddenly I was in such pain, in the middle of this huge city where I didn't know anyone. Alone. Completely alone.
It was hurting me so much because I've been working on myself through my disease for the last three years. Multiple sclerosis. Three years of trying to heal, trying to accept, trying to keep going. And now this - another trial, another loss. I found myself asking: Am I losing everything? Am I losing myself? My boyfriend told me,
"I'm sorry. You're not attractive anymore."
Those words. They just awakened everything - all the past, all the complex things from when I was younger. This feeling of not being good enough. And you know, this feeling... it just really hurts a human being. It hurts in general, yes, but when you already have a degenerative disease, when you're already fighting your own body every day, it becomes unbearable.
I was feeling bad about myself. Bad about my body. Bad in general. The anxiety was so strong, and my ego was completely affected. I needed to move, to change something, so I started walking. Just walking, trying to escape the thoughts crowding my head.
THE CALLING
And then I saw it - a painting on the wall next to this place. A woman painted there. I don't know why, but I took a picture because I liked it. I was just looking at this building, thinking,
"Oh, very interesting. What is this place?"
Then I kept walking back to my Airbnb. The owner saw me crying in my apartment. I asked him if I could extend my stay because, you know, the whole plan was completely different now. I was alone and I didn't know what to do. We talked a little bit. That's funny - he's a psychiatrist. So he understood I was not feeling really good. He told me,
"Okay, maybe you should go to this place. Maybe it can help you with what you're going through."
He gave me the address. When I looked at it, I realized - Oh! This painting was actually the place where I'm going. The same place. The woman on the wall.
ENTERING THE SPACE
So I came back, and when I entered this place... it was really surprising. Super good energy right away. Not intense, not all over the place. Just there. Present. It was something I'd been missing. A lady at the entrance asked me, "Why are you here exactly?" I started to think. Why was I here? I just told her, "I don't know. I have a friend who recommended I come here." But she asked again: "Why are you here?" And I said, "I need help. I need help because I'm going through a lot of things and I want to heal."
She told me, "Okay, write your name and enter in the community." Then I met another person and I explained what I'm going through. He was really patient. No judgment. I didn't feel any judgment about what I felt. And I started talking about my disease - MS, multiple sclerosis. Right away he said, "Oh, okay. Let me introduce you to someone. He's a doctor. He's in the garden. Just follow me." And that's how I met you, in that garden.
THE RECOGNITION
When I started talking about MS, you right away clicked. You understood something. You just told me to wait. And while I was waiting, I started looking at this place - really looking. I started being in this energy I'd been missing. There was so much to see, so many plants, so much art. I was getting myself lost in it, in a good way.
When you returned, we exchanged all these feelings together. It made me feel like, Okay, maybe I'm in the right place. Maybe I can really start opening my heart, start trying to heal, or let go of things that are so much inside me that could be the cause of the whole thing.
It was a little bit difficult to understand the whole point of it. I knew about quantum physics and all that, obviously, but I wasn't in the mindset for this. It's only after the sessions that I became more receptive, more like, Okay, this is another perspective of life. This is another perspective of who you are - you as a human, in this body, in this soul.
THE EXPERIENCE
What I really felt during the session was like a lot of things moving around. A lot of things. Movements. I had my eyes closed. There was also a blindfold over my eyes, so I couldn't see anything. But the feeling of it was like a tornado. Like hearing things, feeling things. And the head... the head... there was this pressure, like a compression doing this... this... this... this... [rhythmic compression, release, compression, release]. I really realized how intense it was when I tried to stand afterwards and I was like, Oh shit, I can't. That was very intense. My legs were heavy too.
The thing I felt most was when you put your finger here, in my solar plexus. That was so good. I felt like... I hadn't even noticed I had pain in that part of my body. So it was only there - my solar plexus, my legs, and the head compression. But really, really intense in the head.
Movements. A lot of movements. It was graduating - like at the beginning it was a little bit, and then it got more noisy, more all around, more vibrations, more everything. I didn't know if it was in my head, if the compression was making me feel this way, or if the environment really was like that. I wasn't stable. I was feeling like it was moving around. I can't explain it exactly. This is just the feeling I had.
THE SHIFT
When I got back to my hotel, I had time to think about it. And there's one word really resonating inside me:
Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go.
It was hard to be receptive with people around because when I came back there was a friend and a couple there. It was very hard to handle it. My head was still compressed a little bit, you know? But my friend said something. She told me,
"Oh, you look so relaxed. You look so beautiful, at peace."
And I don't know... it felt like I was in the center of me in a way. Like floating. It's a little bit floating. Not like you are high or that feeling of high, but more like you're floating. You're accepting where you are and you're in... I was really in the present. Really looking at my friends. Not the physique of the person, but really like a connection of souls, you know? Like I was looking inside their eyes. And this is something mostly we don't do - really looking into the eyes. I'm not super comfortable with this myself, you know? But I was super okay with that. They could go inside me.
Usually you put your eyes down or you stay inside, but I had this feeling. I was confident to show what's been going inside me. I don't know. I just had people looking at me differently. The way they were looking at me. Maybe it was me who had another perspective or vision of what I was seeing, but I felt like they were looking at me in a different way.
I had a very good sleep. I was super tired. Really, I felt it. My legs were still a little bit heavy, and I had ten hours of sleep. I didn't wake up at all. I woke up really in a good mood.
THE DIFFERENCE
The thing that is different is the thoughts. You know those thoughts? Like, You didn't do anything. What is this? Oh, you're fat. Oh, you this or you that. What is your goal in life? What am I going to do? Why am I extending my stay here? Is it okay? What is the world? What is life? Why am I here? Why are people dying? Why? All those noise everywhere. Sometimes you're just like, "No, I want to escape. I don't want to hear anything. Shut up you. Shut up you. Shut up you."
This has been way less.
The reason I'm saying this is because you told me if I have any thoughts, anything coming to my mind, write them down. Take a pen and paper with you and write them down. And the thing is, I didn't. Because there wasn't... there wasn't like populating thoughts. I was kind of like, Oh okay, there wasn't too much thoughts actually. And I was thinking, Maybe I don't have a lot of thoughts? Or maybe the experience wasn't working or whatever? But I felt good. This is the real trigger in my life - I'm overthinking, over-analyzing things, over-trying to get validations. Always this, always that. It's never a waiting time in my head.
So I was just like, okay, I'll take it. I'll take it because it feels good. It really feels good. And I really think you can't be in the present - in a total present - when you have those thoughts. It's impossible. I've been trying. I've been doing meditation, yoga, all those things that are really popular now. But sometimes I can't meditate. And that's the real trigger because when you can't meditate, you ask yourself, Why can't I meditate? Because I'm thinking a lot about things. There is conscious meditation, I know that. But still, you need to focus on your breath.
Okay, I focus on my breath. And then one minute later - boom, boom, boom - going back to the thoughts. And you can't be at peace when you have this. Because you're never happy. I'm never happy because I always think something bad will come. Bad thoughts. And because I've also had trauma. So I feel like every time I'm not at peace, I'm like, you know, expecting something bad coming.
I had an accident. I had a terrorist attack. Every time I've had similar events. So I'm in this primitive instance - like it's coming, something is coming, the winter is coming. So I'm never at peace. That's why I build more and more bad thoughts, more stress, and I'm never happy with what I have. And when you have a disease like a degenerative disease, you can't be at peace because you're thinking, Okay, maybe now I can walk, but if tomorrow I have another lesion, I can't walk. If tomorrow I lose my vision for one month...
I've built mechanisms in my body. Whenever I'm in danger, whenever I'm in a position of weakness - boom, panic attack. Boom, stress. How can I handle this? I don't have tools to handle this. And society doesn't help you. It's cool to have five minutes of meditation and ten minutes of yoga, but I need more than that for what I'm going through, for what I've experienced in life. I think I just have to not feel guilty and not feel that I'm not good enough.
THE OPENING
At this moment, I'm more accepting. I'm more accepted. But I don't know. It's been two days. I want to know how it will evolve. Because I feel this now, and I don't know if it's just the feeling I have because I'm here with you and you're supporting me. I know I will see you the next day and I have someone - not a mentor, but someone who will help, you know?
So I don't know how I will feel when I will be alone. When you tell me the session is finished, you did your job, you did everything.
I'm more accepting now. But the journey continues. And I'm learning to let go.
As told by a woman finding her way through crisis, discovering that sometimes the deepest healing begins when everything falls apart.